transformance
by psychosomaticDreamer
Summary: gamzee's bruises are gorgeous pulpy violet, blooming on his skin as he sways in the doorway of tavros' flat.   AUish; gamzee & tavros & karkat
1. part 1: constance

gamzee's bruises are gorgeous pulpy violet, blooming on his skin as he sways in the doorway of tavros' flat.

"hey amigo," he slurs, eyes tilting gold and sly yet mercifully sluggish. he tips forward and tavros catches him, smearing royal purple and splatters of lesser shades that tavros has to try hard not to think about when he cleans gamzee up.

he doesn't know why he does this. he doesn't know why gamzee comes to his place, this hole in the wall, when there are others who would understand so much better. it terrifies tavros and also makes him angry, how gamzee bursts in at odd hours after he's beat up enough gutterbloods and expects him to deal with it, like maybe he thinks tavros is stupid enough not to notice or something. well, he does notice and he does mind and he can work himself into a pretty good resolution now with gamzee lying on the couch out of his mind on leftover vycodin from tavros' surgery.

but the minutes tick into hours and tavros is drowning in a sea of insomnia and uncertainty. he will tell him this time he will tell him when he wakes but when gamzee does and rolls up a lazy smile he wavers and hates himself for it.

(if only he would growl at him)

"whassup my main bro," all goofy like he never laid a hand on a fly and tavros has to force his words out in a rush

"hi gamzee, glad to see you're awake, i've got to go to classes now, so, uh,"

"aw shit well ain't that the motherfucking truth? have a good time, man."

"but i've got something to say to you, something important, so if you could listen, yeah, that would be, that would, uh,"

gamzee's head lolls on the pillow, beguiling gaze steady, and this might be the hardest thing tavros has ever done.

(if only he would threaten him, menace him, bully him)

"well, it's not like, i don't mind having you over here, cos i don't, that's cool, it's just that, uh, i'm really worried about what you're doing, a lot of the time, when you're out, cos i think, you're probably hurting other people, and you're definitely hurting yourself, and well, that's pretty troubling, and, as your friend, i really-"

"who's getting hurt, now?" gamzee says, blinking slow and languorous with that same foolish grin sprawled across his face, and tavros wants to shake him because this is just ridiculous.

"gamzee! you, you know what i'm talking about, don't play dumb-"

(this would be so much easier if only he would show that razor-sharp side, try to coerce tavros with brute strength- then he could lock him out, ignore the insidious rapping at his door -_shave anna haircut, two bits!_- he could get this psycho the hell out of his life, if-)

but gamzee only squirms deeper into the cushions like an old dog, turning the motion into a shrug.

"man i just dunno what's up with all the things nowadays and even me, man, you just gotta fucking roll with it, you know, whatever happens in the cosmos like a motherfucking marigold" and it is the last thing tavros wants to hear. he sighs and gives this time up for lost.

he does not know why gamzee entrusts him with the weight of his darkest secret, why it has to be him that shelters the real gamzee from the rest of the world. he does not want it.


	2. part 2: violence

the thing is it's monstrously unfair to poor tavros, yeah, so sorry about that guy, motherfucking victim or something, it's unfair to him but mostly unfair to the rest of his beautiful friends. they don't know the truth like they think he's a big joke, oh yeah, that's our gamzee, coming in to school hours late totally baked, crazy motherfucker prolly killed half his brain cells by now, pretty chill dude though if you wanna drop some rhymes. yeah they think that's their gamzee but that's the gamzee he's made them, and it's not like they're not nice people who deserve to know the truth, but he just can't tell them. it kind of hurts when he's hanging out with a sweetie like nepeta or a champ like terezi and they're so rocking being themselves that he wishes he could do that too. but then he remembers that it's a fucking marigold he's even got any friends in the first place, and if he has to impose on tavros, yeah, he will. even though he has to fake it extra hard around him. that's the gamzee he wants to be, anyway, so if he practices a lot and believes it in his special place, well then, wish upon a star, it's just gotta come true. (_but faeries are not_ CLAP CLAP CLAP HONK CLAP)

he's strolling down the street now and thinks he'll call up his good buddy karkat.

"honk," he says, which is his usual greeting, and he hears all sorts of crap coming from the other end. finally he gets karkat's voice, even more strident than normal.

"oh my god i am not in the mood for your clowny bullshit eridan just flipped his shit and tried to rape feferi well he attacked sollux and kanaya too, there's medics and police everywhere and i think they want to get my witness account, could you have possibly picked a better time to harass me?"

"i'll pick you up at the station when you're done," gamzee says, and hangs up.

karkat is pretty quiet when gamzee greets him with a "hop on in, best friend," and whoa, he must really be in shock. gamzee is cool with that, though, and keeps the silence party all rockin inside the car as he drives them up to the lookout point so's they can get some stargazing introflection on.

"well, here we are," gamzee announces, and karkat should really notice the depraved slide in his voice that the phone didn't pick up, but he's been sitting on something during the ride and now he turns to gamzee and kinda lets it blurt out:

"all i can think of is all those times eridan wanted to talk to me and i brushed him off like an idiot and now all this shit's happened and what if it's _all my fault?_" got the major motherfucking anguish on here but gamzee just replies "fuck if i care" and jumps him.

the first move he gets in is a crazy hard smack across karkat's face that feels pretty damn good and also kind of rattles karkat which is sort of unnecessary at this point but hey. it does start the mood off right and soon karkat is clawing at him and screeching which means he's got his capslock back and abandoned as the place may be he's gonna be in serious trouble if it doesn't stop so he shoves his hand into karkat's mouth. okay, maybe that wasn't the smartest move because whoa, fangs like a barracuda, but it does shut him up, or at least muffle him a lot. now he's only got one hand to do the rest of the subjugglating but he manages eventually, with his advantage in size and not being freaking the fuck out. he gets karkat's arms all twisted up behind him with some bandanas that smell like smoke and keeps his weight against karkat's body to subdue his thrashing and kicking. they're pressed together and stilled, breathing after the exertion as karkat's teeth grind a steady _fuck you, fuck you_ into his hand. gamzee thinks about raping karkat like this and skims a finger along the waistband of his pants thoughtfully. he's pretty wound up, yeah, but that's more screaming and blood than he's really in the mood for right now. he rustles up some more shit from the detritus on the floor of his car and gets a more proper gag in, or at least one that doesn't require his active participation, as well as some ties for karkat's legs in case he decides he wants to kick the window in or something. karkat gives him the mad dirty glares as he's settling him in but gamzee doesn't mind, just licks blood off karkat's cheek and belts him in. there's only really one place they can go now, after all.


	3. part 3: emergence

tap taptap tap tap. tap tap.

oh no. oh god. oh man. tavros doesn't know if he can honestly handle gamzee at this point. he squeezes his eyes and palms shut and tries to will it away.

tap taptap tap tap. (…)

tap tap.

the pause before the two bits is dreadfully ominous. the sight that greets tavros when he scrambles to open the door is even more horrifying.

gamzee's there and his face and neck are dripping, scored with hundreds of shallow scrapes the scope of which seem directly proportional to his broad grin. and slung over his shoulder, bloodied and rag-bound, a troll colored candy-red-

a frightened squeak escapes tavros when he realizes who it is. gamzee steps around him and dumps karkat on the floor. tavros is seized by a terrified panic and oh god does this make him an accomplice to…? he is infinitely relieved when he sees karkat twitch and rushes to aid him, watching gamzee with wide eyes and muttering under his breath, "okay, i'm just going to take karkat and, and take care of him, like, like you came here to do, right, okay, i'm not attacking you, or anything-" it would be pathetic if anyone was watching this. but karkat is gagged and gamzee has frozen in place, eyes rolled up and sputtering a single sound: "ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"

it is freaky and horrible but at least gamzee is not moving, not going for him next. he drags karkat to the bathroom, wincing internally at his hurried roughness and guiltily thankful that the irritable troll is not able to chew him out.

he locks the door behind him and assesses the damage as calmly as he can. karkat's clothes are bloodstained and rumpled but they don't look ripped or disarrayed and tavros is relieved. he pulls the knots apart and karkat squirms out of the bindings the best he can but something is kind of wrong with his arms and his muscles are spasming uncontrollably. tavros would really like to wash and bandage him up but karkat snarls when he gets too close and murmurs a constant quavering invective as he shivers and wraps his arms around himself. there's really nothing tavros can do but give him some tylenol pm and guide him towards his own bedroom.

tavros wishes he could keep watch on karkat but he's still got gamzee in the front hall to deal with. when he ducks the corner gamzee is flopped out on the floor looking vacuous, but tavros will not put up with this routine again. he marches over and grabs gamzee's collar but gamzee wraps his arms around his legs and brings tavros down to his level abruptly.

"gamzee-" tavros begins, but gamzee's curling around him with slitted yellow eyes like a panther.

"d'you like me, tavros?" he rasps, and tavros is derailed from his intent to scold.

"wh-what? well, of course i like you, i guess, but that's-"

"wanna fuck?" gamzee murmurs sweetly with karkat in the next room and tavros' brain just can't take all this strangeness.

"no, i-" he begins, flustered, and gamzee throws his head back and laughs.

he wants it to be a psychotic laugh, a maniac laugh, but it's relaxed and silly like the guy he used to know- thought he knew- and a tense resolve burns in tavros' stomach.

he thinks- he thinks that with all he knows about gamzee so far, he thinks that this has to be a truce. it's pretty awful that gamzee comes in here after being so fucked up and then acts so nice and dopey but it's something he's doing, on purpose, and that means tavros has a chance. it's really scary to think about but he remembers karkat and the countless other trolls he's only known from the stain of their insides and he knows he has to do this.

gamzee is trying to snuggle up with him awkwardly but he manages to pull himself away.

"hey, uh, gamzee, i just remembered, uh, i've got, i've got a present for you," he says, and hopes the nervousness in his voice is disguised by his operative stutter.

"no shit, really?" gamzee rolls over and there is no cunning whatsoever in his expression, and tavros wonders frantically if _he knows_-

"yeah, i uh, got it last week, but it's, it's in the other room, so i've got to, get up," and he scoots away from gamzee and stumbles upwards.

"what is it man, no wait, i got this motherfucker, it's a surprise, right? i fucking love surprises!"

"yes, it is, it's a surprise, so you definitely shouldn't look until i tell you, in fact, maybe you should close your eyes or turn around or something while i get it, so it'll be a surprise for as long as possible," he babbles, backing up until he is out of gamzee's sight before unhooking the pan from the wall. it's heavy and it weighs in his hand with frightening potential but he only tightens his grip. there will be no second chances no backing out of this, he isn't cut out for this but _he has to_.

gamzee is standing with his back to tavros when he reenters and all he can hope is that the truce holds for five more seconds, three, two, one-

there's an incredible clang and gamzee crumples to the floor. he's scared suddenly that he swung too hard but gamzee comes up dark roaring MOTHERFUCKERRR and whirling to smash tavros' head in and oh god he didn't swing hard enough! he tries to raise the pan again to block or something but he's much too slow and doomed when a slash rips purple through gamzee's arm and it goes limp, breaking his onslaught. behind him karkat crouches with a dripping knife and a vicious scowl. gamzee falls back, clamping fingers over the bubbling wound and his face turns devious.

"come on fuckers you can do better than that filthy peasantbloods just give up and kneel-" gamzee looks so gross and vile like this as he lurches towards tavros it's blessedly easy to bring the pan down on his sneering face. gamzee drops to his knees and now he's gaping, fallen open like a book and it's too easy to read him. he reaches forward with his working hand and clutches tavros' shirt.

"please buddy i'm your best friend tavros don't hurt me please don't hurt me please please-" it's like this irrational word soup falling out of his blank, blank face so staring and vulnerable and tavros hesitates. he's thinking they should be trying to restrain him and call the police and get this nightmare out of their lives and the handle slips a little bit in his hand as gamzee pleads, pleads for mercy. he's thinking that maybe gamzee isn't such a bad guy after all and if he got some help cos he's tried so hard to be a good friend to all of them and all the times he's made him laugh when he sees karkat dart in and plunge the knife in gamzee's back.

gamzee's mouth trembles and he expects blood or sound to come out but there is only an eerie stillness that sucks all the warmth out of the air and leaves him shivering in cold sweats. after an eternity gamzee flops forward, curled fingers slithering down tavros and leaving a trail of slick violet. the pan clatters from tavros' fingers and he still can't breathe, rigid with horror, gamzee's dead face burned across his retinas-

karkat steps forward and tavros cringes, scared to death that karkat is going to pull the knife out and go for him next. but karkat only reaches down and rustles the keychain from gamzee's back pocket. straightening up, his eyes flick up to tavros' petrified face, ignoring the corpse between them.

"self defense," he says grimly, twirling the keys around a finger and walking out.


End file.
